False Missed Chances and Embracing the Choices I Made to Better an Imperfect Life

Have you ever thought about all the missed chances you had to make your life better? That’s something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately. I believe I think about this more than the normal person because of how long my health issues lasted. I didn’t get to do a lot of things I thought I would by my age due to them. Being sick takes up a lot of time and energy. Since my health became better and my body began to heal itself, I started to wonder what I could do next in my life that wouldn’t cause so many missed chances. I also began to wonder if I missed any chances I could’ve had to make my life better in some way than it currently is.

I started to think about these things more and more since January 2021. At that time, many people I used to know in school and didn’t want to talk to ever again came back into the area where I currently live. They came here for jobs and to move somewhere familiar. That’s when I started to hear about what they are saying about me, what they thought about me years ago, and why they never liked me in the first place. This is when I felt panicked about living in the area and became even more desperate to move away. The companies I work for are not here and require working from home or traveling, which is hard now because of gas prices and my personal lack of a reliable vehicle. I thought about what I should do next, where I should move, how much money will it cost to move, if I should get a different job to qualify for a home mortgage (I don’t want to rent), and if I should get a different vehicle first before I even consider moving.

All these thoughts and worries began to pile up on me. This is when I began to think “Did I do enough in the past, while I was sick, to put myself in a better position than I am now?” After months of thinking, and talking down to myself, I realized something: There actually wasn’t anything I could do back then that would put me in a better position than I am today.

When I was sick, I had a lot of out of pocket expenses. That cost me a lot of money. I couldn’t go to the schools that I wanted to because of it. I couldn’t move to a new city or state because of it. But that’s how I was able to stay out of debt. There are other ways I stayed out of debt, but I won’t talk about them online. (I’m worried about misleading anyone worried about looking for ways to pay for medical expenses) Still, I look at the money I spent on my health and I realized it would be enough to buy me a nice house outside of a city where I could find jobs to work at. And I would still have enough money for savings. I wouldn’t be able to pay for the house outright, but I would have a nice down payment on it. Or I could’ve gone to college and finished a degree I wanted.

The thing I realized is these are all what ifs. I could’ve gone to college while taking care of my health, but there would not only be added stress to my life but also student loan payments I would need to make afterwords. I could’ve moved to a new area, but no matter what my health would still be an issue. And I would’ve been too far away from the doctors I needed to see in order to improve my health. And there is no conformation that I would’ve even got or kept a job in the area anyway.

This is why I realized thinking about the past is a fruitless endeavor. It makes no real use to dwell on the past in the way I did and talk down to yourself simply because you didn’t live the life you thought you would. When I was in high school, I had my life planned out. I thought I made all the right decisions, but what I didn’t count on was my health failing the way it did. I didn’t know it would happen, but I still planned ahead to the best a teenager could. That made a huge difference after I realized how serious my health issues are and would become unless I sought medical help.

It is important to remember the past and know about past mistakes. I believe we need to remember them for a reason. Still, there is a huge difference between pointing out a mistake that didn’t seem to be a mistake at the time and making something that isn’t a mistake into a mistake out of frustration due to current frustrations about an imperfect life. And I was doing the latter as a way to try to fix and remedy something I was dealing with in the present.

Life isn’t perfect, but doesn’t mean it can’t be wonderful. I’m happy I took care of my health and can now live a fulfilling life that isn’t bogged down with worries and concerns about my health like I used to. It makes me sad that I focused on what I did to prevent myself from going into debt as a bad thing. I should look at it as a good thing. Yet, I still can’t talk to anyone that moved away from and back to the area about it. Their minds are made up about who I am and who I always will be. I didn’t know they looked so down on me and why. Now that I do, I know now that they are not the kind of people I should spend time around or even dwell on. I didn’t know they would become so offended by petty, insignificant things. I thought they would change and grow up to realize those things don’t really matter anyway. Yet, for them, it does. And now I can move on with my life in confidence (And medical debt free) without bothering trying to associate with them or concern myself with being friendly to them because it’s a small town and they’re the only ones to talk to.

Well, that’s all for now! Thank you for reading!