Blog,  Lifestyle,  Personal & Comentary

Thoughts on Feeling Self Conscious of What People I Used to Know Think of Me

For over a year, I’ve struggled with what people thing of me. This is a common problem for bloggers and anyone on social media, but this is not where my concern is coming from. It’s actually coming from family and people I know in the town I live near.

Since the start of the pandemic, everyone’s lives have changed. Some decided this change was the perfect opportunity to move to a new place. I live in Arizona, which means this place is, according to studies, surveys, and statistics, the most popular place to move to in the United States. The title of #1 is not consistent, but it is normal for Arizona to be in the top five. And I hate it.

Everything is changing. Gone are the old ways of life I used to know. The pandemic changed everyone’s lives, but so many people moving to an area in such a short amount of time made it even worse. Now, I have to worry about getting into car accidents more than ever before. (Which does not help me build my confidence after the car accident I was in, and caused, in 2021) People’s shopping habits are very different and are stranger than ever before.

To be honest, I let these things slide. Every fall and winter time, Arizona has a huge influx of people visiting the area. They don’t know the streets, what is available in stores, and where anything is located. So, they don’t always drive, shop, and act like locals. Even though I used to pass this off as visitors, this time it’s not the same. And it makes me start to seriously think about moving again.

I put off moving months ago until the economy, and my body, became stronger. I am now stronger, but I still don’t know when my great move will be. I do know that it is an absolute necessity for me to move.

As I consider my moving options, I began to reflect on my life in the area and if there are any people I want to say goodbye to and any places I want to see before I leave. This is when I realized I wasn’t very transparent about my life to certain family members or people I know in the area.

These people are not people I want to talk to. I used to, but over time I began to realize they are the kind of people who enjoy looking down on others and their misfortunes. Years ago, when I was very sick with a serious long term illness, I would turn to them as a support system. Instead of supporting me, they would say unkind things to me that implied my illness was not genuine and I made it up. That was not all the hurtful and painful things they said to me, but that’s all I feel comfortable talking about on social media.

Yet, now that years have passed and the pandemic happened, I wondered what happened to them. Even though I would discourage myself from becoming too curious about what happened to them, I still wanted to know. And I wanted them to know what happened to me and how my illnesses were not fake and how healthy and great I’m doing today.

The problem is, it won’t make them see how bad they treated me and how wrong they were about how they thought and saw me.

Today, these people have no idea how well I’m doing. I’ve heard that some thing I passed away from the most lurid of reasons. Others think other things happened to me, all of it not good. None of them actually care about me or wish they could see me again just because they had a change of heart and want to see me out of kindness and concern.

In the years since I spoke and/or saw them last, I began to heal from the wounds they caused. I began to grow as a human and am more confident about who I am. I made sure not to be completely transparent about my occupation, any new developments in my health, or anything else going on in my life. Even though this was hard for me to do at first, I began to see the benefits of not being completely transparent as they would like think of me as. One of those benefits is they no longer had current information on me.

Even though the information they had on me is old, they continued to talk about me and whatever is happening in my life as though it is still current. I never understood how they couldn’t figure out someone’s life can change without them knowing, but they do. And that’s why I’m struggling with my worry about how they think about me. And why I think moving is going to be the best thing for me. Even if the way people in the area act, drive, and live their lives changes to something I can adapt to.

Well, that’s all for now! Thank you for reading!

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