YouTube, Blogging, Sewing, and My Nervousness of Being Myself Online
May 13, 2020
Recently, while talking to a friend of mine, we talked about how much I wanted to post YouTube videos about things I used to sew, but I was afraid to. The video I wanted to make is about how I made a homemade, but good quality, version of a jacket that was used as part of a costume in a popular science fiction show. Although I know my knowledge can be useful, I received criticism from former friends and some people online who scoffed at my social media posts about making the jacket. I personally saw nothing wrong with making my own version of the jacket. There isn’t anyone online that dived into the construction of the jacket or even talked about it openly except me. But there was some that decided it would be better to be vocal about how I had too much time on my hands to create one and it would be easier to just buy one.
The critics’ words got under my skin and, over seven years after I started my quest to make the jacket, I became overly hesitant to share my thoughts online out of fear of criticism. My friend encouraged me to make the video anyway because nobody seems to care about making a jacket in that style from scratch and it would be a great video for learning purposes, but I still felt scared. I was never good at opening up and sharing a great deal of information about myself or anything I was interested in because I felt if I opened up too much I would offend someone.
Growing up wasn’t easy for me. Even though I don’t talk much about my childhood, it was a contradiction of good times and bad. When the times were good, they were great. When they were bad, they were the stuff of nightmares and I never know when my life would switch between the too. The friends I have today know about my childhood and some were there and remember things that happened to me, good and bad. But most of all they encourage me to push myself out of my boundaries to embrace a life of stability, or at least as stable as life can be, instead of the inconsistency and emotional abuse I experienced growing up.
My friends were the ones who encouraged me to start a blog about my art, sewing, and photography. They encouraged me to start this blog where I talk about anything but my artistic pursuits. And they support my decision to have spin-off YouTube channels based off what I talk about in my blogs. Although I’ve had setbacks trying to make YouTube as successful as my blogs, they support me in not giving up and if I need someone to pull me down to Earth, they will.
Although my friends help me out emotionally, the thing I can count on them the most is to remind me that, even though their encouragement goes a long way, the best thing for me to do is embrace the fact that some people won’t like me, but there are many that need me.
The reason why I pick the topics to write about is due to the fact I know about them. I may not be a huge make up fan, but I do love eye shadow and lipstick. I may not work as a full time seamstress, but I love sewing my own clothes. And I love talking about them. I may not have hundreds of thousands of subscribers, but I enjoy making things and I want to create more videos about that. And knowing the only thing standing in my way is my own painful memories. Even though I feel like I can’t function because of the memories, I remember this: They are memories. Memories mean they happened already and are in the past. This is the present and I’m moving into the future. Don’t let the past ruin the future.
So, I will make the video… as soon as things calm down and I can order fabric and receive it in a normal time frame. Sure, I’m nervous and the ex friends and critics comments about me bother me, but their words sting less and less. I don’t know why they would say such cruel things not only about making the jacket, but, in the case of my ex friends, the comments about me personally. I don’t blog, have a YouTube channel, or a social media account to boast about how smart, cleaver, or wonderful I am. I keep them to share things I enjoy and hope others will enjoy as well. If my ex friends thought of me like this, then I would still be friends with them, but they did not. And that is why we’re not friends anymore. Growing up I was subjected to abuse, but that doesn’t mean I need to be abused by people I think are my friends. Sewing projects come and go, but a friend that is supportive and you support in return is something special. And my current friends do while my ex friends did not.